Internet, Stop Making Me Feel Old

It always amuses me to see a blog or website write a post that reflects on the 1990s, asking things like, “Where Are They Now?,” “Remember Him/Her?,” and “The Best/Top ____ of the ’90s.” The writer, though trying to make his or her readers remember products that now seem prehistoric or celebrities in their pre-rehab years, end up making the ’90s feel as if they were an eon ago. The ’90s were only 12 years ago; is that long ago enough to be remembered with such melancholy? I spent ages 2-13 in the 90s; reading Facebook groups like “Things You Only Know If You Grew Up in the 90s” is akin to hearing songs from my birth year (1987) being played on an oldies radio station. And yes, that has happened.

Let’s face it-the ’90s weren’t a bad time to grow up, and I’d like to think we had better toys and TV shows than kids today have. Who could forget Gak or the Yak Bak; “Clarissa Explains It All,” or “All That?” Personally, I would rather watch someone get slimed than preteen living a double life (looking at you, Miley Cyrus).

While it is fun to look back on “the good old days” of my childhood, it has two negative consequences: A) It makes me feel old; and B) I might be missing the ’90s a little too much. In November, I will celebrate the completion of my first quarter-century of life, i.e. my 25th birthday. It kind of boggles my mind that we’re so far removed from the time in which I was in grade school. It’s as if everything about them is retro, like the 1960s and 1970s are to my parents. With my rent, utilities, and a sizable amount of taxes coming due, the days of Dunkaroos and Mondo seem much more appealing than forking over my checkbook to Uncle Sam.

So, if you, too yearn to return to a pre-Kardashian era, to a time when MTV actually played music videos, I urge you to check out these blogs:

*Female Pop Stars of the ’90s and ’00s – Then and Now! (Gotta love the clothes).
*10 Definitely ’90s Commercials (That’s Rashida Jones at :26 in the Gap ad!)
*Things 90s Kids Realize (I miss TGIF and SNICK).
*Awesome Things From the 90′s (I still watch VHS tapes. Judge me).

Ch-Ch Changes

You may have noticed it’s been a while since I’ve written, and you may have noticed that quite a few of my posts have been removed. A lot of things have happened since I last wrote, one of them being that I got a new job that I had been hoping to get for a while. As part of my new position, I have to cool it on the political stuff, so I will be shifting the focus of my blog and Twitter to reflect that. I’m not sure in what direction I’ll be going, but maybe I’ll figure it out as I go. It may very well end up being a bunch of rambling about my mundane daily adventures.

 

One major change in my life is that I moved into a much nicer apartment. It was a big change for me, going from a residential neighborhood to the middle of my city’s downtown. I grew up in the country so the hustle and bustle (at least, as much hustle and bustle as my particular city can have) has taken some getting used to. Instead of having to clear snow off my car, I now have a spot in a parking garage. I no longer have to walk up a dozen steps from the sidewalk to my front porch; I now walk into the elevator and mash the button for the seventh floor. I go to a new grocery store, although it is not much further than my old grocery store was to my old apartment. My gym is a little further away, but only by a few minutes. I am within walking distance of a lot of great restaurants and my commute consists of a 30-second walk.

 

My apartment itself is gorgeous and I sometimes feel as if I live in a hotel. The kitchen has hardwood floors, granite countertops, and a dishwasher, which is a real BFD to me because I hate washing dishes and my parents never had one. My bedroom and bathroom are huge, and so are the guest bed and bath. The guest bath is actually larger than my own bath as it contains the washer and dryer. The washer and dryer means no more lugging multiple loads of dirty, smelly laundry to my mom’s house, so my mom especially likes that feature (she also enjoys the guest bedroom which she refers to as her room). My favorite feature is the exposed brick wall in my bedroom.

My kitchen!

 

Back to the hotel thing. I was able to move my things in slowly over the course of a month, but the heavy lifting came at the end of February when two male friends helped me move my heavy furniture. My mom visited me and I took two personal days from work to unpack. By mid-afternoon both days, I was so tired that I became delusional. I was slurring my words, saying nonsensical things, and just about falling over from fatigue. One thing that I could not stop saying was, “This is like a hotel.” My mom still teases me about it today.

 

I’m also training for two 5Ks! I never in my life thought I would even consider doing it, and that makes me even more excited for them.The first one is a fun, noncompetitive run for women. There’s no timing, no placing, and tons of mud! It’s similar to the Tough Mudder runs for men, but no live wires; just obstacles and lots of mud. I’m doing it with two friends and we are having a blast doing it. I never thought I’d enjoy lifting weights as much as I have been.

And so, that’s what’s been going on with me lately and why things are going to start to look a bit different around here. I’ll try to not bore you too much.

On Celebrating 92 Years

My grandmother turned 92 on Thursday. For most people, this is quite the accomplishment, but for her even more so because she has been suffering from dementia for as long as I can remember, possibly 20 or 25 years, although she wasn’t immediately diagnosed. Only 3% of dementia patients live past 14 years of their diagnosis. Her defying of this statistic shows just how strong of a person my grandmother is, physically and mentally. She lived at her home, where she and my grandfather raised my dad, aunt, and uncle, until October 2009, when she came down with pneumonia and a respiratory infection. Since then, she has lived in a local nursing home and has been in and out of several hospitals. Despite her poor health, I am convinced she will live to be 100. 

This is a woman who suffered the loss from the tragic loss of her daughter at age 20, and the sudden deaths of her husband and oldest son, my dad. We did not tell her about my dad because we feared it would take an emotional toll on us, only for her to not comprehend what we were saying. We were also afraid she would comprehend, and it would take a toll on her health. 

Growing up, I wasn’t that close with her. She was both physically absent, as she lived two hours away from us and I usually just saw her on holidays, and mentally absent, as she was already suffering from dementia. It wasn’t until my dad passed away that I realized just how important she was to me; she and my uncle are my only remaining immediate family members on that side of my family. But still, we weren’t that close because the dementia impeded her cognitive abilities, and restricted our chances for a relationship. 

Two of my favorite days of the past seven years have been her 85th and 90th birthday parties. At each one, I met new loved ones, good friends of the family, and reconnected with relatives. I heard new stories about her, which interested me to no end because they enabled me to see what she was like, what her personality was, before the dementia took her hostage. 

When I went to visit her yesterday, card and flowers in hand, I wasn’t expecting much. The last few times I’d seen her, she barely talked, if at all, and sometimes cursed, as is a common behavior of dementia patients. The past Christmas was the best I’d seen her in quite some time. She got a big smile on her face when she saw me and, when prompted, said my name and that I am her granddaughter.

Thursday was like a miracle. Not only was she talking and lucid, but she was speaking in complete sentences and was able to carry on conversations with me. When I asked her if she knew who I was, she responded, “Yes.” When I said how nice it was to see her, she responded, “It’s nice to see you, too.” She kept smiling, which melted my heart. Occasionally, she’d glance out in the hall at the male nurse, then turn back to me and smile. When she said, “This is such a nice surprise,” I nearly died. A while later, I got up to leave. I was halfway to the door when she said, “Don’t go.” I said, “Alright, I’ll stay a while longer,” and sat back down. When I finally did go, I asked, “How about I come back next week and read the newspaper to you?” (She still enjoys reading the paper). She paused and responded, “We could do that.” 

A few seconds later, a nurse, also a longtime family friend, peeked her head in the room and asked, “Is she talking?!” and then coaxed Grandma into giving me a kiss before I left. By the time I got to my car, I was almost in tears. 

It was such a wonderful visit with such a wonderful, strong woman. She has lived a long life, and although a good part of it has been tragic, she is still thriving at 92 despite her poor health. My visit to her, which will be the first of many, was a microcosm of how she always perseveres through whatever life hands her. 

Happy Birthday, Grandma. May you have many, many more.

#Trust30 Day Thirty: Image

Prompt:

 

“Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mess up your hair. If you are wearing makeup – smudge it. If you have a pair of pants that dont really fit you – put them on. Put on a top that doesn’t go with those pants. Go to your sock drawer. Pull out two socks that don’t match. Different lengths, materials, colors, elasticity.

Now two shoes. You know the drill. Need to add more? Ties? Hair clips? Stick your gut out? I trust you to go further.

Take a picture. Get ready to post it online. Are you feeling dread? Excitement? Is this not the image you have of yourself? Write about the fear or the thrill that this raises in you? Who do you need to look good for and what story does it tell about you? Or why don’t you care?

Although I didn’t actually do the exercise, I really am not afraid of posting such a picture online, although I would never do so. 

At some point in the past two years, I stopped caring what other people think of me. I don’t need to impress myself and my family and friends, not strangers. I only dress up for work or when I go out with friends. I have no problem going to the grocery store or mall sans makeup. 

Take, for example, a recent incident I had. I went to the grocery store to buy food for a party I was planning. By the time I got to the self-check out line, I had quite a few items in my cart. Not wanting to remove my bags from the bagging area and set off an alarm, I ignored the bags that were getting fuller and fuller and were looking more precarious with each item I put in them. The next thing I know, a bag tips slightly over, dumping a few things onto the floor, one of which being a box of blueberries. Unfortunately, this box decided to open, sending blueberries rolling across the floor in many directions.  

Last year, I would’ve been mortified. But now? I ignored everyone, accepted help from the employees with picking up the rogue berries and getting another box. I wasn’t at all embarrassed. My cheeks did not flush with humiliation. I walked out of the store with my head held high, proud of myself for not getting all bent out of shape about it. 

I credit this to the whole “mid-twenties self awareness phase” I’ve recently gone through. I better know myself and what I want, and I think that’s given me a huge boost of self confidence that I so badly needed. 

 

#Trust30 Day Twenty-Seven: Alivest

Prompt:

“Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. If we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

When did you feel most alive recently? Where were you? What did you smell? What sights and sounds did you experience? Capture that moment on paper and recall that feeling. Then, when it’s time to create something, read your own words to reclaim a sense of being to motivate you to complete a task at hand.

My last moment of feeling alive wasn’t that recent. It was Election Day, last November. I had been working my tail off since June to get my candidate elected. Every day I worked was spent building up to E-Day: building support in the area, building a base of volunteers, and getting the volunteers in the office for E-Day. 

Yes, the day was super stressful. Yes, I don’t remember eating at all. And yes, the day didn’t end as I hoped and prayed it would. But it was still very fun. It felt like a natural high. Our office had this buzz in it, a buzz more than that of a room with thirty-plus people in it at any given time. My job was to get volunteers into the office on E-Day and I was proud of what a good job I did. Everyone was cheerful–it was the last day, it was “go time.” 

I think what made it so enjoyable and memorable was how proud of myself I was. I was proud of myself for working so hard and devoting so much time to my job. Watching the near-tangible excitement in the air and seeing the fruits of my labor was exhilarating. At times, leading up to E-Day, I had self-doubt. I didn’t think I’d be able to get enough people into the office. Just standing there in the office, watching the flurry of activity, I proved myself wrong. I guess that’s what I get for underestimating myself. 

#Trust30 Day Fifteen: Wholly Strange and New

Prompt:

“When good is near you, when you have life in yourself, it is not by any known or accustomed way; you shall not discern the foot-prints of any other; you shall not see the face of man; you shall not hear any name;—— the way, the thought, the good, shall be wholly strange and new.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Can you remember a moment in your life when you had life in yourself and it was wholly strange and new? Can you remember the moment when you stopped walking a path of someone else, and started cutting your own?

Write about that moment. And if you haven’t experienced it yet, let the miracle play out in your mind’s eye and write about that moment in your future.

A few months ago, I woke up one day and had an epiphany. I’m pretty damn awesome. After a few days, I realized I had hit that stage in my mid-twenties where I’m suddenly self-aware and know who I am and what I want. It was kind of exhilarating, to be honest. I still hadn’t found a job by that point, but I woke up every day smiling and started exercising as I’d never had before. I felt like a new me. 

I’ve since lost that feeling, but am trying in earnest to get it back. 

#Trust30 Day Twelve: Surprise

Prompt:

“I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, if we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Think of a time when you didn’t think you were capable of doing something, but then surprised yourself.  How will you surprise yourself this week?

I once held a job that required me to work long hours. As in, ninety-hour weeks. When I started the job, I had a minor freak-out where I worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle the work schedule, but I took the job anyway. As days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, I found myself accustomed to the busy schedule. I definitely surprised myself by surviving that job. Looking back on it, in addition to not regretting the experience, I realize that it has taught me two valuable lessons: a good work ethic and not to underestimate myself.

I have already surprised myself this week. I’ve lost three pounds, for a total of five pounds over two weeks. This is very exciting, but I can’t get complacent. It’s not that I’m overweight–I’m average–but I want to be healthy. I want to look better. I need to keep surprising myself by continuing to work out every day. The results of my hard work will be worth it. 

#Trust30 Day Seven: Five Years

Here’s yesterday’s prompt. I had it all ready to go yesterday, but I kind of crashed out after work. I think this might be my favorite prompt so far.

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 Prompt:

 

“There will be an agreement in whatever variety of actions, so they be each honest and natural in their hour.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

What would you say to the person you were five years ago? What will you say to the person you’ll be in five years?

Five years ago, I was eighteen years old. Five years is a lot of time, almost 20% of my entire life. I have learned a lot of things about myself since then, and have quite a few pearls of wisdom to share with eighteen-year-old Amanda:

•  Appreciate your family while you have them. They won’t always be around.
• Don’t make someone a priority if they only make you an option. I wasted far too much time on a few people in the past few years and deserved far better.
• Spend more time socializing in college. I did become more social after I turned 21, but for my first two years of college, I spent most of my free time in my dorm room, something I now regret because I’ll only ever have one undergraduate experience.
• You’re tougher and more resilient than you give yourself credit for.
• Don’t put yourself down. You’re awesome and kick ass at everything you do.
• Tell your parents you love them every single day. One day you won’t be able to, and you’ll regret all the times you didn’t.
• Make your needs a higher priority than needs of others.
• Be fearless and relentless in the pursuit of your goals.

I will be 28 five years from now. I don’t know what it’s like to be 28, so this one is kind of a challenge for me.

• Enjoy being young; you’re almost thirty!
• I hope you’re having a fulfilling career.
• I hope you’ve found a committed relationship.
• I hope you have no regrets in all aspects of your life. I hope 24-year-old Amanda made some wise decisions.
• Have I done what I told eighteen-year-old Amanda to do?

#Trust30 Day Six: Dare to Be Bold

It looks like I’m finally caught up! Here’s Day 6. 

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Prompt:

“Our arts, our occupations, our marriages, our religion, we have not chosen, but society has chosen for us. We are parlour soldiers. We shun the rugged battle of fate, where strength is born.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Next to Resistance, rational thought is the artist or entrepreneurs worst enemy. Bad things happen when we employ rational thought, because rational thought comes from the ego. Instead, we want to work from the Self, that is, from instinct and intuition, from the unconscious. A child has no trouble believing the unbelievable, nor does the genius or the madman. Its only you and I, with our big brains and our tiny hearts, who doubt and overthink and hesitate.” - Steven Pressfield, Do the Work

The idea of “being realistic” holds all of us back. From starting a business or quitting a job to dating someone who may not be our type or moving to a new place – getting “real” often means putting your dreams on hold.

Today, let’s take a step away from rational thought and dare to be bold. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to accomplish but have been afraid to pursue? Write it down. Also write down the obstacles in your way of reaching your goal. Finally, write down a tangible plan to overcome each obstacle.

The only thing left is to, you know, actually go make it happen. What are you waiting for?

For the past two years, I’ve contemplated moving to Washington, D.C. to further my career. My thoughts, however, have been on and off. At times, I wonder what it would be like, and at times I am content to stay here.

I have several obstacles in my way:

• I’m afraid to move there by myself.
• The cost of living has got to be insane.
• I grew up in a tiny town and the city I’m currently living in isn’t that big, either. I’m not sure I could handle living in such a huge city when I’ve never even stayed there overnight.
• I would miss my family and friends terribly.

How can I overcome each obstacle?

• I can wait until I’m in a stable relationship with someone whose career is flexible so I don’t have to move alone.
• I can wait until I have my bank accounts padded a little.
• I can visit the city and explore.
• Sadly, there really is no way to prevent missing loved ones.

What am I waiting for? Based on my solutions, I am waiting until I’m in a stable relationship (i.e. married or with a committed partner) and have somewhat of a nest egg stored up, so I won’t be alone in the new city and will be able to afford living there. Clearly, this won’t be for quite a few years.

Will I ever move to D.C? I don’t know. Would be good for my career? Absolutely. Is it the best choice for me? I don’t know. What I do know is that my family is more important to me than my career, and I don’t really see that changing, so my decision may already have been made for me. 

#Trust30 Day Five: Travel

Here’s Day 5′s prompt. I’m almost done catching up.

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Prompt

If we live truly, we shall see truly. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Not everyone wants to travel the world, but most people can identify at least one place in the world they’d like to visit before they die. Where is that place for you, and what will you do to make sure you get there?

 

 

The Black Sea, Crimea, Ukraine

 

There are several countries I’d like to visit: the Ukraine, Great Britain, France, and Italy.

Five years ago, I was fortunate enough to visit the Ukraine on a missions trip. We were there for twelve days, during which we taught English to school-aged children. Spiritually, it was a very fulfilling experience for me. Personally, it was, too. My great-grandparents came to the United States from the Ukraine and I grew up eating the food, so it was an amazing experience to see my culture up close and in depth. It’s such a beautiful country and the people are so wonderful, so I would love to go back.

If you haven’t noticed, I’m a big history buff. The UK, France, and Italy are full of it. I would love to see Buckingham Palace, the Mona Lisa, and the Vatican, and I’m sure I will one day. 

Obviously, these would both be very expensive trips, so I will have to wait a few years until I have the money saved up to go.