What I’ve Been Up To

I’ve been relatively MIA since #Trust30 ended, so you might be wondering what I’ve been up to. The answer is, “Quite a lot.”

I’ve had a lot of things going on in my personal life, most of them bad, which have left me too drained to write. Things are starting to get better (at least, I hope) so I’m trying my best to start writing again. June and July were horrendous months. You know how sometimes small, irritating things happen and while they’re just little things, there are a lot of things and so your irritation builds and builds until you want to snap? That was my entire June and July. This doesn’t include the panic attacks that I woke up with every morning, which made me lose five pounds.

Speaking of weight loss, I now weigh 18 pounds less than I did at the beginning of June, so my summer hasn’t been totally unproductive. When I realized I lost the first five, I decided to keep going. Between the Couch to 5K Fitness Plan and a new diet of eating one full meal per day, and snacking throughout the day. And by “snacking,” I mean I nosh on raw, unsalted almonds; fresh peaches or apples; crackers; etc.

I have managed to do a little blogging lately, and hope to get more done soon. Until I do, here are my recent posts:

• On Social Media and the Amish
• On Celebrating 92 Years

On Celebrating 92 Years

My grandmother turned 92 on Thursday. For most people, this is quite the accomplishment, but for her even more so because she has been suffering from dementia for as long as I can remember, possibly 20 or 25 years, although she wasn’t immediately diagnosed. Only 3% of dementia patients live past 14 years of their diagnosis. Her defying of this statistic shows just how strong of a person my grandmother is, physically and mentally. She lived at her home, where she and my grandfather raised my dad, aunt, and uncle, until October 2009, when she came down with pneumonia and a respiratory infection. Since then, she has lived in a local nursing home and has been in and out of several hospitals. Despite her poor health, I am convinced she will live to be 100. 

This is a woman who suffered the loss from the tragic loss of her daughter at age 20, and the sudden deaths of her husband and oldest son, my dad. We did not tell her about my dad because we feared it would take an emotional toll on us, only for her to not comprehend what we were saying. We were also afraid she would comprehend, and it would take a toll on her health. 

Growing up, I wasn’t that close with her. She was both physically absent, as she lived two hours away from us and I usually just saw her on holidays, and mentally absent, as she was already suffering from dementia. It wasn’t until my dad passed away that I realized just how important she was to me; she and my uncle are my only remaining immediate family members on that side of my family. But still, we weren’t that close because the dementia impeded her cognitive abilities, and restricted our chances for a relationship. 

Two of my favorite days of the past seven years have been her 85th and 90th birthday parties. At each one, I met new loved ones, good friends of the family, and reconnected with relatives. I heard new stories about her, which interested me to no end because they enabled me to see what she was like, what her personality was, before the dementia took her hostage. 

When I went to visit her yesterday, card and flowers in hand, I wasn’t expecting much. The last few times I’d seen her, she barely talked, if at all, and sometimes cursed, as is a common behavior of dementia patients. The past Christmas was the best I’d seen her in quite some time. She got a big smile on her face when she saw me and, when prompted, said my name and that I am her granddaughter.

Thursday was like a miracle. Not only was she talking and lucid, but she was speaking in complete sentences and was able to carry on conversations with me. When I asked her if she knew who I was, she responded, “Yes.” When I said how nice it was to see her, she responded, “It’s nice to see you, too.” She kept smiling, which melted my heart. Occasionally, she’d glance out in the hall at the male nurse, then turn back to me and smile. When she said, “This is such a nice surprise,” I nearly died. A while later, I got up to leave. I was halfway to the door when she said, “Don’t go.” I said, “Alright, I’ll stay a while longer,” and sat back down. When I finally did go, I asked, “How about I come back next week and read the newspaper to you?” (She still enjoys reading the paper). She paused and responded, “We could do that.” 

A few seconds later, a nurse, also a longtime family friend, peeked her head in the room and asked, “Is she talking?!” and then coaxed Grandma into giving me a kiss before I left. By the time I got to my car, I was almost in tears. 

It was such a wonderful visit with such a wonderful, strong woman. She has lived a long life, and although a good part of it has been tragic, she is still thriving at 92 despite her poor health. My visit to her, which will be the first of many, was a microcosm of how she always perseveres through whatever life hands her. 

Happy Birthday, Grandma. May you have many, many more.

#Trust30 Nothing to Lose

Prompt:

 

“Self-censorship is not just self-betrayal and self-abandonment (which would be bad enough), but soul-betrayal and betrayal of our Muse, out inner voice, our highest self.”

Too often we censor ourselves, our actions, and our work in hope or fear of what might happen if we otherwise don’t. What words would you write today, and what actions would you take, if you had nothing to fear, nothing to lose?

 

I would tell people how I truly feel about them; both people I really like and people I can’t stand. I would explain to them why I liked them, why I disliked them, why they annoyed me. 

Actions-wise, there is someone who is currently annoying me. I have this overwhelming urge to hit them–not hard, just a mild slug to the arm. It’s not a good solution, but if I have nothing to lose, why not?

#Trust30 Worthwhile Day

Prompt:

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

What is one thing you can do that would make today worthwhile? What’s stopping you from getting started right now?

The day this prompt was issued (as opposed to day), I had a pressing need that accomplishing would absolutely be worthwhile.

It was a rough day to begin with, but was only made worse with my anxiety about getting the oil changed on my car. I realized the need the day before when the “check engine” light on my dashboard lit up. I then noticed that according to the sticker from my last oil change, I was due for another one 2,000 miles ago. In addition, my dashboard was saying my engine oil life was at 4%. Not good. 

I called my regular garage. They couldn’t do it until the following week (this week). I Googled local garages. I called the first one, which could take my car, but it would require me to drop my car off at the garage in the morning. I start work at 8, so that plan was totally infeasible. 

Running out of options (and freaking out because I was making two trips, to and from my friend’s house that weekend, and each way takes about 45 minutes), I texted two friends who are from the area, asking them if they knew of a good place to go. They both suggested the same garage, which, fortunately, was open past 5. They accommodated my request and also changed my dead taillight bulb, as well as replaced my right blinker bulb, which I didn’t even know how burned out. 

Thanks to some quick thinking on my part, not to mention two awesome friends, I accomplished what needed to be done, thus making the day worthwhile. 

#Trust30: Be You

Prompt:

In one sentence, who are you?

There are a lot of adjectives I would use to describe myself, but it’s hard to make one coherent, grammatically correct sentence out of them, so here’s an attempt:

I am nothing if not fiercely loyal.

 It boils down to what I think is my best quality. I might be naive, but I’m able to see the best in people. 

#Trust30: Number One Passion

Prompt:

 

What is your #1 passion in life?  Now, imagine what would happen if you incorporated that passion into your life daily.  Write down your passion and keep it close to you.  Remind yourself of it daily, just like brushing your teeth.

 

I think it’s pretty clear: my number one passion is politics.

My biggest fear about working in politics is that I’d lose my passion for it. After the 2008 election, I was adamant about not working in in the field for this exact reason. After the first day at my internship, I had completely changed my mind. I knew then that it’s the field I have to be in. I learned at the internship that working in the field will force me to learn about it and that will keep me interested.

 A job in politics would certainly do wonders for my professional life. I would have a career and job I love and am passionate about. Again, I would be able to learn and would hopefully develop a wonky side, which is a major goal of mine. My career choice would also benefit others: I’d be helping to advance the Democratic cause and making a difference in our democracy.

#Trust30: What Would You Be?

Prompt:

 

If a year from now you weren’t in the profession you’re currently in, what would you be in your wildest dreams?

 

Although I really do like the current field I’m in (grant writing), I would enjoy being back in politics. At some point, I’d like to be back there, whether it’s as a staff assistant, communications staff, or campaign staff, hopefully doing communications and media. I know, my dreams are very wild. 

#Trust30 Carries On

Due to the success of #Trust30, the program managers decided to keep it going. I can’t promise I will do every one, but I will do my best.

—

 

Prompt:

 

Find something that happened on the day and date you were born. Write about it.

 

Well, I couldn’t find anything super noteworthy that happened that day (other than my birth, of course), so I checked Wikipedia for celebrities I share a birthday with. 

I really wish I hadn’t. Apparently I share a birthday with Snooki. I’m one of those people who think Jersey Shore is a stain on the good name of humanity, so this is quite embarrassing.

I was born in the morning, so hopefully I’m older. I would hate to think that I’m younger than her. At least one of us born on that date knows how to conduct herself with class, grace, and dignity. 

#Trust30 Day Thirty-One: Fault & Change

Prompt:

 

“I must be myself. I cannot break myself any longer for you, or you.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Think of all the things that are not working in your life. That job you don’t like, that relationship that’s not working, those friends that annoy you. Now turn them all on you. Imagine that everything that’s not working in your life, is your fault. How would you approach it? What would you work on to change your life to the state that you want it to be?

 

Overall, my life is going well at this point. I enjoy what I do and my relationships are great. However, one relationship is wearing on me a little.

I think this person and I have a communication problem. When I say I’ll do something, I do it, and I expect others to do the same. When this person says they’ll do something, they mean it as a general idea for the future, not set-in-stone plans.

If this is my fault, which it could be, it means I assume people will keep their word like I do.

To fix this, does this mean I need to stop trusting people? Should I stop trusting this person? Perhaps a better idea would be to confirm plans with them, and confirm them multiple times.

#Trust30 Day Thirty: Image

Prompt:

 

“Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mess up your hair. If you are wearing makeup – smudge it. If you have a pair of pants that dont really fit you – put them on. Put on a top that doesn’t go with those pants. Go to your sock drawer. Pull out two socks that don’t match. Different lengths, materials, colors, elasticity.

Now two shoes. You know the drill. Need to add more? Ties? Hair clips? Stick your gut out? I trust you to go further.

Take a picture. Get ready to post it online. Are you feeling dread? Excitement? Is this not the image you have of yourself? Write about the fear or the thrill that this raises in you? Who do you need to look good for and what story does it tell about you? Or why don’t you care?

Although I didn’t actually do the exercise, I really am not afraid of posting such a picture online, although I would never do so. 

At some point in the past two years, I stopped caring what other people think of me. I don’t need to impress myself and my family and friends, not strangers. I only dress up for work or when I go out with friends. I have no problem going to the grocery store or mall sans makeup. 

Take, for example, a recent incident I had. I went to the grocery store to buy food for a party I was planning. By the time I got to the self-check out line, I had quite a few items in my cart. Not wanting to remove my bags from the bagging area and set off an alarm, I ignored the bags that were getting fuller and fuller and were looking more precarious with each item I put in them. The next thing I know, a bag tips slightly over, dumping a few things onto the floor, one of which being a box of blueberries. Unfortunately, this box decided to open, sending blueberries rolling across the floor in many directions.  

Last year, I would’ve been mortified. But now? I ignored everyone, accepted help from the employees with picking up the rogue berries and getting another box. I wasn’t at all embarrassed. My cheeks did not flush with humiliation. I walked out of the store with my head held high, proud of myself for not getting all bent out of shape about it. 

I credit this to the whole “mid-twenties self awareness phase” I’ve recently gone through. I better know myself and what I want, and I think that’s given me a huge boost of self confidence that I so badly needed.